; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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