I seem to have left my pride at pride
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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