Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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