sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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