Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
