I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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