He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
