you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
