This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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