Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
