also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
