ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
