i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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