If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
