omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
