Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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