How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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