Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
