I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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