She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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