im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
