fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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