sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
