Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
