Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
