A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
