I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
