Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
