im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
