I accidentally burped into my bong.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
