you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
