I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
