She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I forget how to act sober
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
