Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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