i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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