worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
