There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
