My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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