no, he came in my armpit
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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