i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
