he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
