put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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