Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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