1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
