apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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