I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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