I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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