What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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