I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Acid is not a monday night drug
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
