Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I wear drunk well.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
